Being what? Alone, okay, sane....... All of the above ?!?
Well Debbie downer here is wondering if there is really a trick to the art of "being". I try to be loving and patient,kind and reasonable. But some times I feel like good ol' apostle Paul, always fighting myself and my emotions. My thoughts...... my being human. What is wrong with being emotional and being human? Well it has come to my knowledge that this is not per say the "most popular" thing. However being secluded in your emotionless, self-absorbed world. I guess that is how ones think that you should act . It's the popular thing. Live for yourself and let all others fall at the way side. Each to their own. Who cares if it right or if someone gets hurt?
And guess who that someone usually is? Me. Because I care. I care too much. I care about those who didn't care even though they said they did.
It is true.......Never make someone a priority in your life, when you are only an option in theirs.
So here I am alone.
Trying to figure out how to make an art of what is now my life. I know that it is not a bad thing to be alone. I just need to feel okay with it. I think sometimes as a mother of two autistic sons and a wife to a naturally quite husband, I at times feel as though I am fighting to be in everyones life. To let me in. To share what they think and how they feel. But sometimes it is just not there. That is where the art of being alone/okay, comes in. You would think growing up in a single parent family as an only child would help with that. But maybe that is where my drive to not be alone comes from. To prove to everyone down to my father,who just happened to be the first one to leave me, that I am lovable enough to care about , to let in and not leave me.
But on this journey we all call life I am trying to just prove to myself that this is the case. And the hardest challenges sometimes are the lessons we have to learn for ourselves.
So on this evening being Debbie Downer, and sad to be losing another friendship to distance and losing respect for one that I had for another. I am determined to learn the Art of being...........
